Monday, 02 June 2008

• The Top Chef "Peter Pan Lost Boys" Challenge; or Jack Donaghy & Andy Cohen "Make It Work"

  The scene opens...  An office in BRAVO network headquarters in 30 Rockefeller Plaza, also known as 30 Rock.  BRAVO's Senior Vice President of Production and Programming, Andy Cohen, is seated at  his desk, looking at a Take Out menu, and speaking on the telephone...
  
  Cohen:  ...and an Iced Venti Raspberry Soy Mocha.  Oh and ask him to cut off all the crusts from the bread too...  yea just trim all the crusts off the sandwich.  All the bad carbs are concentrated in the crust...  no, it's true, I heard that from my BFF Esteban.  Oh and ask him to cut the sandwich twice for me...  from corner to corner...  in quarters...  yeah, like four little triangles, I love the way he does that for me...  Now who's delivering lunches for you today?  Reeeally?  Ooooh, I like me some Mikie...  what's he wearing today?...  Oh that's disappointing, who else is delivering?...  Oooh, excellent, yes...  what's he wearing?  Really?  So you can see a little bit of the the tattoos, and can glimpse the nipple piercings when he leans all the way over?  Great, have him deliver it.  It's hot and sunny out today, he'll be all sweaty and moist and glowy by the time he gets here...  OK, gotta run, love you...  you didn't say you love me back...  There we go, OK bye.
  
  Cohen turns to his computer screen and waves at a webcam perched on top of his monitor.
  
  
  Cohen:  Hey everybody, I'm back.  Greeeeeat news, in a little bit you'll all be able to say hi to my BFF, Lunch Delivery Boy slash Actor slash Model, Joshuaaaa...
  
  A man appears in the doorway of Cohen's office.  He is Jack Donaghy, Vice President of East Coast Television for NBC/Universal, the corporate parent of BRAVO, whose own personal suite of offices lies 16 floors above in 30 Rock.
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, I need to speak to you about Top Chef and some episode they're working on right now.  But who were you just waving to?
  
  Cohen:  To all my BFFs around the world.  (Pointing to the webcam.)  This is the new BRAVO AndyCam, I'm streaming live to BRAVO fans all the time now.  People can watch me all day as I work here in my office.  (Looking into the webcam.)  Hey everybody, loooook who's here, it's Jack, one of my bosses from NBC here at 30 Rock.  (Picking up the webcam and aiming it at Donaghy.)  Jack, wave hi to everybody...
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, you idiot, put that damn thing down.  And turn it off, I need to speak to you privately.
  
  Cohen sets down the webcam and double-clicks on his mouse.
  
  Donaghy:  Did you just now put that thing on stand-by, or did you turn it off like I told you to?
  
  Cohen pouts, and clicks his mouse two more times.
  
  Cohen:  Jack, you never come down here to visit me, what's up good buddy?
  
  Donaghy:  I have concerns about this latest episode they're filming for Top Chef.  But before we get to that I have two equally urgent questions for you.  One, why aren't you packing, you know we're moving all you BRAVO people out of here?  Legal says we need the very slight edge against lawsuits and damages and protests that NBC gains by having all you people headquartered in some other state.  And by the way...  if I see even one more of your whiny "Andy's Musings" memos about BRAVO being moved to New Jersey, I'll have you doing "What Watch Happens" specials from a utility closet in Abkhazia.  I'm serious, we have production facilities there now.  Just began production on the Abhkhazi version of Animal Survivor: Ultimate Bloodsports...  It's all perfectly legal over there...  Two, who are those colorful people in your reception area?
  
  Cohen:  Is that one single two-part question, or was that two different questions?  Or three?  I got lost somewhere trying to follow it.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course you did, Cohen.  Let's try again.  Why aren't you packing?  You need to get out of 30 Rock.  Just on your own, you manage to de-synergize 6 adjacent floors of this building.
  
  Cohen:  Well, I was going to start packing, but then I decided to just wait and have Medellin do it for me.  He's our new Maintenance Intern.
  
  Donaghy:  BRAVO has Maintenance Interns now?  What the hell is that?
  
  Cohen:  Well, I arranged for Medellin to get a job with Maintenance.  As part of this program he's enrolled in.  But I'm going to treat him like an intern, and mentor him.  Nurture him.  I think he may have more talent than he realizes.
  
  Donaghy:  This isn't Bandana Boy we're talking about here, is it?
  
  Cohen:  Who's Bandana Boy?
  
  Donaghy:  The little young guy working in Building Maintenance.  Wears one bandana tied around his head, always has a different colored bandana stuffed into one of his rear pockets.  Short little fellow, heavily tattooed, very menacing-looking, all roided up? Wears some type of court-ordered bracelet on one of his ankles?  The rest of Maintenance won't ride elevators alone with him... that the guy?
  
  Cohen:  Medellin is not roided up...  everyone spends a lot of time working out while in detention facilities.  Federal or otherwise.  Anyway I think he may have some real potential to work in production some day.  I'd even like to get him in front of a camera some time, he's kind of magnetic...  very charismatic.
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, he doesn't seem to speak English...  Are you even sure his name is Medellin?  That's actually a city in Colombia.
  
  Cohen:  Well, I asked him his name and he said Medellin.  At least, I think I asked him what was his name...  my Spanish is a little rusty...  
  
  Donaghy:  Moving on, about the Top Chef episode they're working on right now, I got a call...  no wait.  Who are the colorful people out in your reception area?
  
  Cohen:  Oh.  Well.  That's the great news.  That's everybody who's been called back for auditions for our new show, Queer Eye for the Real Lesbians of New York City.
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, what the hell is that?
  
  Cohen:  Jaaaaack, don't you read my blog?  I wrote all about it.  It's going to be great.  It's just like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy except....  you're going to love this...  this time, it's for dykes.  Lesbians.  Urban lesbians.  Isn't that fabulous?
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, let me anticipate.  You're going to have gay men...  is it five gay men again?  Of course it is, five gay men who are doing makeovers and giving tips and advice to lesbians.  Whole lifestyle makovers, for lesbians.  On the advice of gay men.  Here in New York City.  Is that about right?
  
  Cohen:  Yes, that's it exactly Jack!
  
  Donaghy:  So, you're going to have some gay stylist advising New York City lesbians about hair styles, and cosmetics and skin treatments, grooming and hygiene and moisturizing and pedicures?  And shaving and waxing?
  
  Cohen:  Well that will be the stylist's part in it, yeah.
  
  Donaghy:  And you'll have other Queer Eyes telling lesbians how to handle cooking and entertaining, and home design and decorating.  Some Queer Eye going through a lesbian's wardrobe and throwing out what he doesn't like, and taking her shopping to remake her appearance?  Teach her about fashion sense and style?  And there will be some Queer Eye advice about lesbian relationships too, I assume?
  
  Cohen:  Yes, see what I mean, the show almost produces itself!
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, I think you will be setting new records for viewer emails coming in to Corporate.  Probably before this thing even hits the air.  I'll have to alert IT to install some additional mail servers...  Any of the original Queer Eye cast know about this?  Any of them returning for this series?
  
  Cohen:  Well, that's why we have to hold auditions.  Except for Jai Rodriguez, all the others said "sooooooorry," but they just didn't have time for this anymore.  It seems Jai is the only one who has a little down time on his hands.
  
  Donaghy:  Hahaha, of course he is, Cohen.  And what will Rodriguez be doing on this new Queer Eye?
  
  Cohen:  Oh, I don't know.  Whatever he did on the last Queer Eye.  They always gave him a script to follow.  And used cue cards.  To keep it spontaneous.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course they did, Cohen.  But you have no money to develop any new Queer Eye series.  I know, I personally froze your development budget.  How the hell are you paying for any of this?
  
  Cohen:  Well, that's also the good news.  Remember when you pulled the plug on The Real Filipino Cabana Boys of West Hollywood?  Which I still think would have been groundbreaking reality programming...  Well, I just took the money we were going to spend on Cabana Boys, plus the money that had been budgeted for The New Queen for a Day, and we're spending it instead on Queer Eye/Dykes.  Plus, we already have some sponsorship agreements and product placement contracts.  
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, who would sponsor this thing?  Who wants their products showcased in this?
  
  Cohen:  Well I have a list right here, let's see.  It's Home Depot...  Craftsman Tools...  Dickies Clothing & Accessories...  the Georgia O'Keefe Museum...  the Wyoming State Board of  Travel & Tourism...  and IHOP, for some reason.
  
  Donaghy:  (muttering softly, as to himself)  IHOP...  my eternal corporate nemesis.  Of course IHOP would want in on something like this...  Never mind about all that, that's not why I'm here Cohen.  I'm here about this latest challenge on Top Chef you're filming right now.
  
  Cohen:  It's going to be fantastic, I can promise.
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, I got a call at home last night at 3am from Lee Anne Wong.  She was very upset.  She was almost crying... 
  
  Cohen:  Lee Anne Wong has your home phone number?  How come Lee Anne has your home phone number, I don't even have your office phone number?  No one will even tell me what floor your office is on.
  
  Donaghy:  Hahaha, of course they won't...  Look Cohen, to you Lee Anne is just a former Top Chef cheftestant and the current culinary producer for the program...  To me, she's much more.  Lee Anne Wong...  she is my caterer.  She is the only chef in the city I could ever trust to touch and handle my fugu.  More than just a caterer, she is my confidant.  You see, Cohen, when you bond with a caterer, you may sit down and start out discussing party themes and menu options and duxelles and the merits of buffet versus table service...  but before you know it, you are baring your soul to your caterer.  Sharing your deepest anxieties and fears...  Laying there before your caterer, trembling, naked and vulnerable and exposed...  
  
  Cohen:  Eww...
  
  Donaghy:  ...and finding comfort, Cohen.  Compassion.  Reassurance.  Solace.  A caterer's solace.  Lee Anne Wong is the soft, warm glow of a caterer's Sterno flame that brings light to the very darkest nights of my soul...  my sweet Momma Wong...  And I shouldn't be telling you this but I know you'll forget it anyway, but Lee Anne is also my...  my supplier.  My dealer, if you will.
  
  Cohen:  Jaaaaaack, look at you and your big bad party boy self, gettin' down, allriiiiiiight....  you surprise me, I know you're not a friend of Dorothy, and I sure never took you for a friend of T...
  
  Donaghy:  (interrupting sharply) Beluga, you idiot.  I'm a friend of Beluga...  A lover of Beluga...  Caviar, Cohen, caviar...  Black caviar.  Russian black caviar from the fabled Caspian Sea.  Beluga, Ossetra...  my beloved Sevruga.  The Russians have banned its export.  Fish and Wildlife have banned its import.  The Customs Service impounds it.  But Lee Anne knows where to get it.  Russian black caviar...  and Cuban rum...  Japanese whale meat...  Tibetan antelope...  just the tenderloins and some of the powdered horn...  certain colorful and meaty parrots from South America...  Horseshoe crab milt, which is nutritious and effective, and has none of the side-effects or "Plumbing Blowback" problems I get with bootleg Viagra...  You might say Lee Anne is both my caterer and grocer.
  
  Cohen:  Plumbing Blowback?...  But isn't all that stuff illegal?
  
  Donaghy:  Hahaha, of course it is, Cohen.  It is the trade and commerce of a global, criminal underworld.  An underworld of crime bosses, gangsters, cutthroats and scoundrels...  of third-world warlords and cash-starved revolutionaries.   An illicit worldwide network of malefactors, mobsters, and gunmen who traffic in slave girls, arms smuggling, narcotics, mortgage fraud, HMOs...  and groceries to satisfy any appetite.  And my only contact with, and entree into that darkly seductive world is Lee Anne Wong...  my sweet Momma Wong.
  
  Cohen:  How is Lee Anne, I haven't seen her in ages?
  
  Donaghy:  As of last night she was upset and talking about quitting and lawyers and lawsuits.  And she dropped the "F-Bomb"...  she mentioned the FCC.  That's why I'm here now.  What can you tell me about this latest Top Chef challenge you're filming right now?  
  
  Cohen:  Oh Jack, you're going to love this.  It's the Top Chef "Peter Pan Lost Boys Picnic" challenge.  It's going to be totally fun.
  
  Donaghy:  What's the challenge?
  
  Cohen:  Well, the episode starts out with a Quickfire challenge.  This one is great because we are getting beaucoups bucks for a product placement spin we're putting on it.
  
  Donaghy:  Who's the product?
  
  Cohen:  Yankee Candles.  They're the people who make premium, upscale scented candles.  In the Quickfire, each of the chefs gets a different scented candle and then they have to create a dish to pair with it.   The guest judge for that is Yankee Candle's global master candle mixologist and food consultant.
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, weren't you BRAVO people watching before, that episode of  Restaurant Wars, with the problems with the scented candles...  oh never mind.  I'm here to discuss the actual Elimination Challenge.  Tell me about it.
  
  Cohen:  Well, that is the best part of it.  It's a catering challenge, on-site cooking, with grills.  Kingsford is all over it.
  
  Donaghy:  This thing is scheduled for tomorrow?  What's the event they're catering?
  
  Cohen:  Oh right.  Well, that's an annual picnic.  It's this small group of Catholic priests, and every year they invite all the little local altar boys together for a picnic or party or outing, or some overnight trip somewhere.  But this year, our cheftestants will be catering their picnic.  
  
  Donaghy:  And this event is being held where?
  
  Cohen:  I've got that right here...  we've booked it into the Peter Pan Petting Zoo and Water Park.  It's got little animals and a swim pool and diving boards and a wave pool and a giant waterslide...  Fun footage of all the kids and chefs interacting with the animals and stuff.  And with the priests.
  
  Donaghy:  And the food?
  
  Cohen:  Well, it's a mix and match challenge.  The chefs will have a chance to select from some proteins and some produce, and then have to build their Top Chef picnic dishes around that.
  
  Donaghy:  Details, Cohen.  Specifically, the meats that someone instructed Lee Anne to go out and procure.
  
  Cohen:  Oh, well, I have the lists right here.  Let me see...  OK, yeah...  for proteins, the chefs will have to choose from among...  baby veal...  suckling pig...  kid goat...  baby lamb...  and poussins, whatever that is.
  
  Donaghy:  It's pronounced "poo-san", Cohen.  It's very young, immature, tender chicken.  Favored by chickenhawks.
  
  Cohen:  It also says leveret and fallow fawn.  No idea what that is.
  
  Donaghy:  Leveret is very young hare or rabbit.  Also famously tender.  Fallow fawn means little baby fallow deer.  Cohen, you seriously don't know what a fawn is?...   OK, let me see if I grasp this so far.  You are going to have a bunch of altar boys, spending the day picnicking outdoors with a small group of priests...  at a Peter Pan Petting Zoo where the boys will spend time petting little baby animals and picking them up and playing with them...  Under the watchful gaze of the priests...  And then for their picnic lunch you want the chefs to serve these children some meat from baby cows and baby pigs and baby goats and baby sheep and baby birds and baby rabbits and baby deer.  That about right?
  
  Cohen:  Yes, and it's a grill-only challenge this time.  Explicitly so.  None of that poached lobster this time, I can promise you that.  We're really cracking down now.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course you are Cohen.  Lee Anne told me to ask about the vegetables she's been told to assemble.
  
  Cohen:  Well, I admit I only know about half the things on that list, some I've never even heard of.  That's here too, hold on while I find it.  Ok, the vegetables...  Salsify root, carrots, lotus roots, parsley roots, parsnips, casava, malanga, long thin taro roots, long thin sweet potatoes, asparagus, bamboo shoots, hearts of palm, rhubarb...  I do know what that is, love me some rhubarb, you know out in East Hampton you can get this rhubarb tart...
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen!  Pay attention.  Continue with this parade of improbably priapic produce.
  
  Cohen:  Right...  OK, let's see...  leeks, miyoga ginger, turmeric roots, banana blossoms, bitter melon, silk squash, opo squash...  wait, there's another page...  cucumbers, Japanese eggplant, zucchinis, there's more, do you want me to go on?  Daikon...
  
  Donaghy:  Not at all...  I see Lee Anne's point clearly now.  Cohen, do you even know what a daikon looks like?
  
  Cohen:  No, but I can google up an image right now, hold on...  Oh my god, I looooove it, daikon are hung like a horse aren't they?
  
  Donaghy:  There's more to this shameful exercise isn't there, Cohen.  Lee Anne said something about the fruits.
  
  Cohen:  Which fruits?  On the show?
  
  Donaghy:  In this challenge.  You're limiting chefs to a narrow selection of meats and vegetables, what about the fruits?
  
  Cohen:  Oh right.  Well, the chefs do have to offer a fruit dessert, but that's a much shorter list.  OK, there's cherries.  Have to have cherries, I love me some red ripe cherries.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course there would be cherries.  What else?
  
  Cohen:  OK, well, cherries and bananas.  And peaches too.  It specifies the super-smooth kind of peaches.  The fuzz-less peaches, not the fuzzy ones.
  
  Donaghy:  (Muttering to self) That sound you hear is just some laborers doing a little construction and expansion work, adding on that new tenth inner circle of hell they'll have to open...
  
  Cohen:  And durian.  Whatever that is?
  
  Donaghy:  (Gasping, visibly shaken) Durian!...  That most unholy and unnatural of all the fruits...  Well I sure didn't see that one coming...  So to recap...You have a challenge that brings lots of little boys and some Catholic priests together, no parents nearby, at a place called the Peter Pan Petting Zoo...
  
  Cohen:  And water park!
  
  Donaghy:  A petting zoo and water park...  these young boys play with little baby animals, then we feed those kids some little baby animals.  Or at a minimum, some tender juvenile animal flesh.  Plated with whatever the chefs can assemble from an assortment of exclusively phallic vegetables, and some fetishistic fruits.  How does the water park figure in all this?
  
  Cohen:  Well, after lunch the kids can all go swimming.  Splashing around in the pool, playing water horsey, jumping off the diving boards, sliding down the waterslides.
  
  Donaghy:  So, the intention is to have these little boys going around largely unclothed, except for their swimsuits... and be all wet?  That correct?
  
  Cohen:  Sure.  It's going to be great footage, the most family-friendly stuff we've done yet on Top Chef.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course it is, Cohen.  And the priests...  they'll be doing what while the boys are playing in the water?
  
  Cohen:  I don't know, I never thought of that...  I suppose most of them will just be standing around watching.  A few might get into the pool with the boys, or ride with them down the waterslide.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course they will, Cohen...  Lee Anne said to ask about the product placement.
  
  Cohen:  Well, it's not a direct product placement...  For whatever reason, we had trouble finding advertisers to come on board with this episode.  But we have an indirect placement deal with Hawaiian Tropic.  For sunscreens and tanning lotion.
  
  Donaghy:  That fits into this Peter Pan challenge how, exactly?
  
  Cohen:  Well, every time the boys come out of the pool, some one will have to put some sunscreen back on them.  We'll actually be providing everyone with lots of Hawaiian Tropic.
  
  Donaghy:  And who is most likely to be doing that?  Applying Hawaiian Tropic to these boys?
  
  Cohen:  I don't know...  I assume the priests will.
  
  Donaghy:  Of course they will....  Cohen, let me ask you this.  Who do you have judging this highly unusual Elimination Challenge?
  
  Cohen:  Well to tell you the truth Jack, I thought that's why you came down here...  We're in a bit of a panic...  We're having a problem with the judges.
  
  Donaghy:  Who do you have lined up so far?
  
  Cohen:  Well, the Guest Judge is great, fantastic, this is the fabulous part.  The Guest Judge is going to be Jonathan Adler.  From Top Design.  How coolio is that?
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, that Adler guy isn't a chef.  I'm not even sure he knows how to cook...  What the hell is he doing judging a Top Chef challenge?
  
  Cohen:  Well he may not be a chef, that's true, but he wrote the book on classic buffet tablescapes for boys.  And on upscale picnicware....  Want to see them, I have the books right here...  Here, look...  this one is "Jonathan Adler's Classic Buffet Tablescapes for Boys."  And here is "Jonathan Adler's Upscale Picnicware."
  
  Donaghy:  Who else is coming along on this ride down the road to perdition?
  
  Cohen:  Well, Padma will be there.  Padma's such a trouper.
  
  Donaghy:  Oh mother of mercy, please tell me you did NOT ask Ted Allen to get involv-
  
  Cohen:  Well that's part of the problem.  He was scheduled to be one of the judges.  I got a call from him late yesterday.  Funny thing, he had just talked with Lee Anne too.  Anyway, he said he had to drop out of the judging, that he had to be traveling, and had some long-distance trip he had to make and he couldn't put it off any longer.  He said something about being due back on planet Earth....  But I never thought to ask him where he was calling from.
  
  Donaghy:  And Gail Simmons?
  
  Cohen:  Well I tried Gail too, right away.  But she said she couldn't make it either.  Apparently she has to stay at home and wait for the cable guy to show up...  She said she didn't know when he'd come, it could be any time at all in the next three to five days, at least.
  
  Donaghy:  What about Tom Colicchio?  
  
  Cohen:  OK, well, that's the BIG problem.  And I don't know whether to be angry or be worried....  It seems that Chef Tom has just disappeared.  Vanished.  Gone.  He's vanished and no one seems to know where he is.
  
  Donaghy:  When and where was he last seen?
  
  Cohen:  Well he flew in and arrived last night, and the production team went over to his hotel to brief him on the challenge.
  
  Donaghy:  The Peter Pan Lost Boys challenge.  With the Hawaiian Tropic.
  
  Cohen:  Right...  anyway, they briefed him last night.  Then when they called him at his hotel early this morning, he was gone.  He checked out of the hotel in the middle of the night, and no one has seen him since.  I've called all his restaurants and they all say he's not there, and can they please just take a message...  I've been calling lots of replacement judges since then but I haven't had any luck yet.
  
  Donaghy:  What about Tony Bourdain?
  
  Cohen:  No, I tried him.  He can't do it.  I think he isn't even feeling well, when I explained the problem and the challenge to him, he said something about needing to go spend the next 72 hours in a hot shower, scrubbing himself with anti-microbial soap.  Then the call seemed to just drop suddenly.
  
  Donaghy:  Rocco DiSpirito?
  
  Cohen:  I thought of that, then they reminded me that Rocco can't be a judge this season, at least not yet.  His mama is one of the cheftestants this year.  She hasn't been eliminated yet.
  
  Donaghy:  Rocco managed to place his mama on Top Chef?  (Muttering softly) Oh well played, DiSpirito...   A master stroke...  Touche...  How is mama doing so far?
  
  Cohen:  Middle of the pack, but she has a really outstanding fauxhawk...  Mama did pretty well two days ago, she won the ARAMARK Services/Sysco Foods/Humana Health Care Systems Nationwide Network of "Winter Solstice Assisted Living Centers" Cafeteria Luncheon Challenge...
  
  Donaghy:  You had them cater a Death Watch lunch?...  Mama win with the meatballs?
  
  Cohen:  Yes, she made them very soft...  very easy to chew.
  
  Donaghy:  I take it mama is destined to be a Fan Favorite?
  
  Cohen:  Not really...  not after production adds some English subtitles to translate all the stuff she goes around saying in Italian...  and you remember how upset all the fans got when they saw Dale Talde get drunk and start swearing and screaming and grabbing his crotch the way he did?  Well...  wait till they're all sitting at home watching Top Chef and they see Rocco's mama suddenly-
  
  Donaghy:  (Interrupting sharply) Please!  Cohen, please!  I've already seen it, when she does that...  Even saw her do that in federal court one time...  to the judge...  Let's get back to this Peter Pan challenge...  Tell me, Cohen, does the phrase "career-ender" mean anything to you?
  
  Cohen:  Is that like a farewell performance or something?  Like Cher's Living Proof/Farewell Tour?
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, I was on the phone with the Magical Elves production team just before coming up here...  They told me they've had zero content control over this Peter Pan challenge, all the specs for the challenge came directly from you.  They also said they demanded and received from you and BRAVO a signed waiver, immunizing them from any legal and financial liabilities for this episode, and exempting them from any moral culpability.  I didn't even know one could get that kind of exemption in waiver-form, let
  alone in advance...  
  
  Cohen:  Well you know, I usually don't interfere with production-
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, here's the thing.  Around here, you're known as a Big Idea kind of guy.  Big, vague, nebulous ideas that just kind of erupt from The Mind of Andy Cohen...  and then you leave it to others to figure out the details.  It's just not like you to micromanage a Top Chef challenge or provide any level of input or sense of direction.  Or sense of purpose...  I also noticed that you have no actual clue what most of those ingredients are, for the challenge.  Would I be wrong to guess you've had a little help with some of the ideas for this Peter Pan Challenge?
  
  Cohen:  Oh, not wrong at all.  I've had all kinds of help with this, from one of my BOBs.
  
  Donaghy:  What's a bob?
  
  Cohen:  Bestest Online Buddies.  My buddy Kneeland has been helping me with this one.  He's fantastic.
  
  Donaghy:  Tell me a bit about Kneeland.
  
  Cohen:  Oh I've been chatting with him forever.  He's actually going to be there tomorrow, for the challenge, he's one of the priests.  A monsignor, actually, whatever that is.  Monsignor Raytome.
  
  Donaghy:  I see...  Tell me, Cohen...  was it this Kneeland guy who originally suggested that Top Chef cater this picnic, with lots of altar boys and some priests?
  
  Cohen:  Yes it was...  I've never met him face to face...  but Kneeland is actually kind of brilliant that way.
  
  Donaghy:  And the suggestion of using the Peter Pan Petting Zoo and Water Park, that came from....?
  
  Cohen:  That was Kneeland.
  
  Donaghy:  And the ingredients for the challenge, the age-inappropriate meats, all that virginal, pre-pubescent flesh...  that greenmarket handbasket from hell with all the phallic vegetables...  the cherries and fuzz-less peaches...  and the durian...?
  
  Cohen:  That was Kneeland.
  
  Donaghy:  Uh huh...  And, finally...  the boys all playing in the pool...  wet altar boys in swimwear, being anointed with Hawaiian Tropic lotions?
  
  Cohen:  More Kneeland.
  
  Donaghy:  (Rising from his chair, stepping towards Cohen's desk and leaning far forward)  Cohen, I'd like you to show me something...  Open up your instant messages, and show me your buddy list...  I'd just like to check something for a moment.  Could you show me Kneeland, on that buddy list?...  By the way, nice screen saver of Emile Hirsch...  that's definitely his face, though I seriously doubt that's actually Hirsh's body attached to it...  I usually hear about things like that.
  
  Cohen:  Oh my buddy list is already open, it's always open.  Here it is.  It will take me a while to get to Kneeland though, it's a lot of BOB names to scroll through.
  
  Donaghy:  Take your time...  That would be your own screen-name right there, FieryIslandBoi90?
  
  Cohen:  Yep that's me!  OK here he is...  here's Kneeland.
  
  Donaghy:  (Leaning forward to examine the monitor)  Yeeeah.  Was afraid of that...  Cohen, I'm going to ask you to try something for me.  I'd like you to take your hand, and use it to cover that one quirky eye of yours...  No, don't do it yet...  and you don't need to make a fist, just cover the eye with the flat of your palm...  Not yet, stop that, wait till I tell you to...  OK, now, when you look at Kneeland's name on your buddy list, with both eyes, what do you think the monsignor's name is?
  
  Cohen:  Kneeland.  Kneeland P. Raytome.
  
  Donaghy:  Uh huh.  Ok, now cover that quirky eye for a moment and lean in a little closer to the screen...  What does the name look like now?
  
  Cohen:  Kneeland P. Raytome.
  
  Donaghy:  Hmmm.  Cohen, is it just possible that almost anyone other than yourself might look at that name, and conclude that we've got here is a monsignor using the screen-name "Kneel and Pray to Me?"
  
  Cohen:  Oh that's so coolio, you're right Jack...  you can cut his name into little different words.  I never noticed that before.  That's fun.
  
  Donaghy:  (Returning to the office chair and sitting down)  Cohen...  here's what we're going to do.  We are going to make this work.  This challenge.  You and I.  We will just "make it work."
  
  Cohen:  But how?
  
  Donagy:  First, I will guarantee that Lee Anne Wong will come through with every ingredient on those lists.  When this picnic goes off tomorrow, all those ingredients will be there.  Second, we ARE going to have a full judges' panel tomorrow night.
  
  Cohen:  Who are you thinking for Head Judge?  I mean, Colicchio is gone walkies.
  
  Donaghy:  Who else could I be thinking of Cohen?  Yourself!  Who deserves more recognition for this episode, who should be stepping up and taking the credit?  It's time, Cohen.  Step out from behind the scenes, step into this breach, and take your seat in the Judges Table Daddy Chair.
  
  Cohen:  Are you sure, Jack?  I mean...  am I really qualified?  Am I ready?
  
  Donaghy:  Absolutely.  I have full faith in you, Cohen.  You eat food.  You know whether you like something or don't.  The Top Chef fans know you and love you.  All the BRAVO fans know you and love you.  The mail servers and the phone system are overwhelmed every time you take to the air.  And I've always encouraged you to get a little bit more involved in the actual running of this network.
  
  Cohen:  Ooooooooooooh my god, Jack, this could be so fun.  But wait...  we need four judges.  We still need someone to replace Ted Allen.
  
  Donaghy:  Well I think the choice for that chair is obvious.  You said so yourself, though you don't know it yet.
  
  Cohen:  Whooooo, tell meeeeee......
  
  Donaghy:  Medellin. 
  
  Cohen:  My Maintenance Intern?  
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, you said it all yourself...  You said Medellin has more talent than he realizes...  and yes, you really should be nurturing that...  As you said, he's a magnetic personality, he's charismatic...  you'd like to get him in front of a camera and see how he does...  It's a chance for you to show everyone you're not wrong about Medellin, and that he can be a valuable asset to the BRAVO network, a worthwhile addition to the network family...  comes when called, and steps up to a challenge.
  
  Cohen:  But what if you're right about Medellin not speaking English?
  
  Donaghy:  Creative editing can get around that...  at least make it non-obvious...  Remember that Guest Judge that was minus a tongue, and you guys edited around that? No one knew.  And Medellin can be trained, all he needs to do is show whether he likes a dish or not.
  
  Cohen:  How?
  
  Donaghy:  For the love of god, Cohen...  OK, if he likes a dish, he points at the chef that made it...  smiles, or at least looks a little friendly, rubs his tummy, makes "Mmmm" sounds.
  
  Cohen:  And if he doesn't like a dish?
  
  Donaghy:  If he hates the food, he points at the chef that made it, looks all hostile and menacing, and draws his index finger across his throat, in a kind of throat-slashing gesture...
  
  Cohen:  Well, he can do that already...  the pointing at people and the menacing and the throat-slashing gesture...  I've seen him doing that to people here.
  
  Donaghy:  That's why I suggested it, I've caught him doing that to people too...  Mostly to Katie Couric, I think....  So that's it, Cohen, problem solved.  To ensure that you and Medellin arrive on location tonight, with plenty of time to rest up for tomorrow's challenge, I'm going to arrange for the two of you to fly out this afternoon on my NBC JetStar.
  
  Cohen:  Jaaaack...  are you kidding me?  That is soooo special....  your own private NBC jet???
  
  Donaghy:  Why not?  We're solving problems here, right, Cohen.  If I put you and Medellin on the JetStar, then I can relax, knowing that you guys won't have any delays with long lines at check-in, no baggage handling hassles.  None of those hazards of commercial airflight.  No long waits or problems with security screenings or metal detectors or baggage searches...  No names unexpectedly popping up on Homeland Security watch-lists...  No questions asked about Medellin's court-ordered ankle bracelet...
  
  Cohen:  Jack, this is fantastic.  When you came in here, I thought maybe I was going to be in trouble again.  But you're doin' nuthin' but helpin'.
  
  Donaghy:  That's my job, Cohen, to empower my subordinates...  Jonathan Adler, Padma, Andy Cohen, and Medellin...  that's a Top Chef Judges Table that won't soon fade from memory...
  
  Cohen:  Jack, you're being all BFF with me today...  but I heard a rumor that you had put me on some kind of Double Secret Probation.  Is that true?
  
  Donaghy:  Hahaha, of course not, Cohen.  I start those rumors myself.  That's all just a necessary element of my success as the Alpha Male Senior Executive.  Create some illusions, spread rumors, foster widespread fear and anxiety among my underlings, and convince them of the constant need to adopt submissive postures and displays.  I'm at my very best when everyone is convinced I might just step into their office some day and destroy their careers, on a whim.  A Senior Vice President with no moral compass...  Or...  a man who had a moral compass...  once...  as a child...  till his mother took it from him...
  
  Cohen:  So, if we really are BFFs, now, does that mean I'm now allowed to make eye contact with you in the commissary or hallways?
  
  Donaghy:  Hahaha, of course not, Cohen.  Allowing you to make eye contact with me would shatter that aforementioned illusion.  No, we'll keep that no-casual-eye-contact rule intact for now.  Let's see how things go with the Peter Pan Lost Boys challenge.
  
  (Donaghy rises from his chair to leave, and pauses in the office doorway...)
  
  Donaghy:  Cohen, in 10 minutes time, someone from Legal will be down here with one of those waivers for you to sign, for Lee Anne Wong.  Immunizing her from all legal and financial liabilities, and exempting her from any moral culpability...  God I love the sound of that waiver...  Anyway, you be here to sign it, don't wander off.  I'll have Security find Medellin and detain him till the two of you are ready to leave.  And in 90 minutes, you and Medellin will be boarding the JetStar, on your way to making Top Chef history.  Hell, this is going to make television history...  And I insist the credits list you as Creative Consultant and Senior Network Producer.  Feeling better about your career now, Cohen?
  
  Cohen:  Oh Jaaack, I just want to come over there and hug you-
  
  Donaghy:  DON'T...  Do not!  Do not even get up from behind that desk till you've signed that waiver for Lee Anne...  I have to get upstairs to Legal now.
  
  Cohen:  Jack, before you go, can I tell you about my ideas for a new series, Twink Island?
  
  Donaghy:  Well it sounds a bit too close to my own MILF Island...  Why don't you send me up a synopsis.  Hard copy, under your signature.  I've been keeping all your ideas on file up there.  I have to run...  Make it work, Cohen, make it work.
  
  Donaghy takes out his cell phone, hits Speed Dial, and can be overheard speaking as he departs through BRAVO's reception area.
  
  Donaghy:  Yeah, Jack Donaghy for Lee Anne Wong...  sweet Momma Wong, is that you?  Wounded Bear here...  I need you to do something for me...  and it's really really bad this time...  but I promise you, I can make this work for both of us...
  
  Cohen makes a few 360 degree spins in his chair, then notices his computer monitor, and clicks a few times on his mouse
  
  Cohen:  Hey everybody, I'm baaaaaaack....  Sorry for my absence, I just had a big important meeting with one of my BFFs and big bosses here at NBC...  I've got a seeeeeeecret...  but I can't tell you yet.  But you're all going to be sooooo excited when you find out.
  
  Cohen is interrupted by a knock on the door.  It is the lunch delivery guy.
  
  Cohen:  Hey everybody, it's my BFF and Lunch Delivery Boy slash Actor slash Model, Joshua...
  
  Cohen picks up the webcam and aims it at the lunch delivery guy.
  
  Cohen:  Wave and say hi to everybody, Joshua.

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• Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Xanga... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!" :-)

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